Wandering Life

I don't know exactly why I am always interested in the word "wandering". The unforgettable moments I had when I left my hometown ten years ago can probably explain it why.Graduating from university, i went to a small city to work for a paper-making company. In my workplace, I mingled with good buddies.Being nearly the only girl, I was spoiled by my male workmates.Moreover, the working atmosphere was dynamic and challenging that I felt i was re-born.I felt that I became a very optimistic and smart girl.
Another experience that impressed me much when I was in that small city was my re-engagemnet to God. Since that re-engagement I found my life so peaceful. The problems I met in my life were resolved one by one so easily. i believe that it was God who helped me be tough and patient to solve the problems. Often i felt that the problems just disappeared like the wind blew.
Coming back to my hometown after I resigned from my previous job, i filled my life by being a teacher.Then,there was a sudden thought came to my mind. I wanted to continue my study out of town. I took an application form for graduate program in one of the best university in Indonesia. As a matter of fact it was a kind of dilemma as my parents wanted me not to leave. They suggested that I continued my study in my hometown so that i could still earn for money. Not knowing what to do, I let my application form untouched for some months. I was about to cancel it, when one day i read a small book containing some wise words of Imam Syafii- one of the most influential Imams in Islam. In one of the pages, there was his saying about wandering. If I am not mistaken, he said that there are at least three benefits of wandering. First, it widens the wanderer's horizon. Second, it gives the wanderer more friends. Third, it ceases the sadness. I was so stunned reading his words that i determined to send the application form. Up to now, I believe that was a clue from God to me.
Eventually, i left my hometown again to pursue what he said in the book, and to hope that i would have good times just like when I left my hometown at the first time. I had to thank God that i did underwent some beautiful moments in Jogya (the second place I moved to). Up to now i still can feel the peaceful and religious atmosphere in my boarding room. I used to listen to the reading of the Holy of Al Quran via radio. I also missed praying in the big and marvelous campus mosque near my dwelling. The imam read the holy AlQuran so beautifully that the verses could touch my heart so deeply. That was the most beautiful and longest prayer I ever had in the mosque.
When you are reading this post, i am no longer in jogya. i am in Malang, a city in the east Java. It takes around 8 to ten hours from my home town (Semarang- the capital city of Central java). Again I left my hometown. After finishing my study in Jogya in January 2006, I applied for a job in Malang and was accepted. Well, now I am far from my hometown, my family and my dearest hubby.
Well, what am i looking for actually by leaving all people who love me? I am searching for the joy and happiness that I often feel when i am back to my family after a long way travel. I miss them and they miss me.At that moment i realize how they are so valuable to me adn how I am worthy for them. A feeling that often vanishes when we are always together.
Honestly, sometimes I do not know where my life is leading to. I just try to follow, accept, and even enjoy the consequences of every decision I made before. Trying not to regret or even blame others or condition that and trying to enjoy it .

I am learning how to use this blog technology right now

Tranquility

stepping into it
the cool and heavenly breeze
come within the restless heart;

Sweeping the grief
and the ambition off;
bringing the freshness
and innocence of a newly-born person

That is such a feeling
I always have
when the heart of mine
is getting hard
and coming into your holy place
becomes a call to purify
my getting dark heart.

* this is a remembrance of a mosque in Kudus that has a deep and special place in my life

MY DEAREST

Missing you today,
reminds me of the old days;
When I felt You so close,
Watching and smiling,
at each step I chose;

That is the days I loved You most

Now,
I am questioning
if I still feel the same;
I am searching and hoping
You are still there and doesn't change.

THE COMING LOSS

Smoothly...
It begins to fly,
to somewhere unknown;
leaving a deep wound,
painful,
and regretful;

Days no longer heal
even mount it up to a hill
A great loss is happening
when neither inteligence
nor wisedom
in thinking
and talking.

IT IS ME

I am a wife
a woman
and a daughter;

I was a child,
marble playing
kite flying
fireworks firing
and also cooking;

walking for a long distance
just to get someone listen
Staying for a while
just to feel and recall
the old good days

When you asked me
why I am like me,
I say that is me.

Good life has been with me
though may not as good
as life you've threaded with your family

You can't take away my history
Coz it has rooted in veins of me
It has created a soul and body
who lets you...
to be with me.

Wed, March 8 2006
I tried to write some words last night. I saved in my disk and today I am so lazy to drop by at internet cafe just to send my writing. I can't send it through my office's PC cozi t is full of viruses.
And now i am sitting at my desk trying rewrite my ideas. I am impressed with what Emily Dickinson wrote (cited by my best friend in her blog)"Till I loved-I never lived-enough".My friend's idea is not quite different from mine. May be b'coz we experienced a similar thing- we fell in love and chose to take the positive side of love. Love is just like other things in this life. It carries two edges- the plus and the minus. It may destroy someone as well as pep him/her up.

When I found out that she has written a lot articles and poems since last year. I remember what I often said to my students. When you fall in love, you can be a good poet. You will fill your books with love poems. You 'll be more creative than before. How can it happen? Because when you love ( and especially to be loved) you may feel that your life is beautiful. Everything that used to be "so so" becomes something special. Does love change things around us? Of course not!It does not change the things. They are the same. What love changes is the way you see them.

When I once fell in love, the views i had on my commuting trip became so beautiful in my sight. I often gazed at the sky through the bus window to admire the blue sky and the wide horizon. The old and poor passenger appealed my sympathy... and I suddenly became someone who was so caring and loving I even

Anyway, do others experience the similar thing as I and my close friend did? Probably not. Some even say that love is hurtful.Poor love, why do some people blame their miseries on you? They just don't realize that love is a holy spirit that comes to everyone. It is essentially a bless from God. In my religion, i was taught that God has 99 good names (asma'ul husna). He gives one of his name "the most passionate" to all his creatures. As a result, we can feel and see the love of mothers to their offspring, a husband's love to his wife,kid's love to their parents. If it is not be coz of love, God would have dstroyed this world since a long time ago. There have been many sins done by humans such as killing others and destructing nature, right?

So? Why is it hurtful? Well, it is usually by people who lose their love (broken hearted) right? b coz they chose to let negative thoughts ruin their good life.Why don't they maintain the happy days when love came to them in their heart and make it as a power to thread their new life?
I do not mean to ignore the existence of sadness. Indeed, sadness is natural. It is inevitable part of one's feeling (even an animal can be sad).The point is how we manage not to be carried away by the sadness, and try to see the good sides of every incident in our life.

The day
I met you
I never thought
It would be you

The one to be with
wading through
the life
I used to wish
and wish
and wish.

This poem is just an opening for my starting to write. It is short,but it sounds nice, right? Ups! I am flattering myself (But it is better than condemning.I believe God created me coz I am worthy creating lol). C U and wait for my up coming writing!