May 20,2006
What’s Wrong with Polygamy?
I just read my friend feminist’s posts on her blog. Gosh! She has such an endless spirit to write everything about women’s lives. Today I read her posts about polygamy and marriage-oriented society in our country – Indonesia. She criticized men in particular Moslems who cite some verses in the Holy of Al-Quran for their excuses of having more than one wife. That post reminds me of my old days when I was stuck on a man.
When I fell in love to my former boyfriend, once, one of my best friends asked me, “will you allow your future hubby if he wants to get married again?”. (Well, my answer may sound foolish to my feminist friend) I said,” Yup. I feel happy if I can make him happy. If that marriage will make him happier, I will be happy too.” Was I blinded by love at that time?” Was I so naïve? You may say I was, but my being naive made me able to have a small party with my close friends to celebrate his wedding ( anyway, we broke up and he married a girl soon he returned from USA). I prefer to see my love for him was a true love. There was no hard feeling just because he left me.
Well, I still remember clearly that my approval of my future husband to get married again is because I wanted to have more Moslem families. The other women he wants to marry should be a good woman so we can be good sisters. Besides I believed that he would marry another woman not because he spoiled his sexual drives. Anyway, up to now I cannot see my attitude at that time naïve. On the way around, it makes me believe that in some cases polygamy can run well if none of both parties is oppressed or intimidated either by the other party or society . If two or more women can be happy together and the man as well, so why not ? But ! if one of them –especially the first wife- cannot accept it, the husband cannot force her, and the other woman should not insist on it as it will hurt another woman’s feeling. If they keep on getting married, surely they won’t be as happy as they wish (see what happens to one of Indonesian artists - M- who became a mistress of a married man. Her first part time husband’s wife and children came to her house and violence happened). It sounds complicated, right? That’s why doing a good polygamy is not an easy thing. There will be inevitable jealousy and injustice though they try to repress it. Holy of Al Qur’an in one of the verses has warned this. But why then Qur’an does not strongly prohibit it? Coz God knows exactly that He cannot demand his creature as just as He. Here, as long as the man “tries” to be fair and the women can really accept it, God allows it, moreover if they can build a big and solid family. When things can run like this, I am personally not against polygamy.
Yet, I am against polygamy just like feminists when its reason is “ridiculous and gender-biased” such as a belief that a man is created to have a higher libido than a woman and a saying that as a woman’s is created from a man’s bend rib. That is why it‘s a duty of man to straighten a woman’s view, attitude and behaviour (including telling them that polygamy is allowed in Islam). These two assumptions surely raise anger among feminists (my feminist friend will be very mad to hear a man says these even so a woman). I myself empirically say that those assumptions are not quite true. I have often heard , read and found some women who have as high libido as a man even higher . I love my feminist friend’s joke why there is no Viagra for women, because women are strong enough. But I‘d like add it: that is coz of women’s greater endurance than a man’s. Though they often failed to get satisfaction in sex as their male partners often selfishly end it before their female mates reach orgasm, women can endure it. How about men? Many are busily trying to create a strong medicine to multiply their strength and satisfaction. (Anyway, I don’t want to be cynical to all men who use that sort of medicine, some may fail and need it to give a good service to their women LOL ).
Women have been indoctrinated that sex is all about man. Many wives are still ashamed to “ask” as they think it will cease their image in their husbands’ eyes. A good woman should not ask, she just serves when her husband wants her. This long-term repression has created submissive women and superior men in sex. An idea that a man has a higher libido than women can be traced from this long oppression. Beside this women’s submission (in fact not only in sexuality but also nearly all aspects of life) is often manipulated by “irresponsible” men to legalize their polygamy. Things will be different when society does not oppress women’s sexuality. Things will be much better, I think , as there will be an equal and healthy sexual relationship.
For the second point, I have some religious friends. One of them is a couple. They get married by Islamic way. The wife did not know her hubby till the day of their marriage. When she found that her hubby’s physical appearance was not like she expected, she often regretted it. As a result, when they went together, the wife walked several step ahead . She did not feel comfortable walking beside her hubby. In their early marriage life conflicts often emerged, and she often asked her hubby to return her to her parent’s house (meaning she wanted to separate). Her hubby was so patient and kind that at last she became the one who adored her hubby. As far as I see, they look much happier than before.
One day on my way home from teaching, I dropped by and chatted with them. The conclusion I took from the chat is they believed that women are destined to be more emotional - that is why the fall of divorce is put on man’s saying. A man is more rational. If it is on a woman’s, there will be a remarkably number of divorces. ( well, isn’t it because the society was still male dominated at the time the statement was made? Even today it is still). The weakness of women then relates to the saying that a woman is created from a man’s bend rib. Again, women are unfairly stereotyped. Their rights are also corrupted. Poor women, how many women will have to suffer from a hellish marriage life while waiting till a cruel man says “I divorce you”. A woman has to propose the divorce and undergoes a process till the judge accepts it. By this time the man no longer has rights over the women. But when a husband says “I divorce you”, automatically they are no longer a couple. How many women have to submit themselves, bury their thought and voices, because they are “only” considered as a bend rib? Poor women! Well, it seems that my friends missed this important case. I did not want to argue with them as I did not want to ruin their seemingly peaceful and happy marriage life. I believe that their marriage experiences have strengthened this belief in their mind and heart.
Well, any comments my dear friends? I will thankfully welcome
nan29
My dear Julie, I just knew that you posted this writing from Phillip. He told me he read this post of yours, but get confused with your illustration here.
)
I still remember one discussion of ours in 2000 in that old building. when you said to me that you agreed with polygamy. I already guessed that you agreed with it coz of your own intention (e.g. that ex boyfriend of yours would marry you although he already married another woman.
What I oppose in this polygamy thing is, I have said it too to Phillip (Lifes_Lesson), that when it created jealousy, discomfort, etc. When everybody is happy (the wives, the husband, the children, the big families), it is okay too. However, when there is a case like that, and then people conclude that polygamy is a good thing to everybody else, that is very foolish. From 100 women, I suppose not more than 5 of them will let their husbands marry another woman. And it is a silly thing then if people try to campaign about the "good" thing of polygamy.
I got one attacking comment in my blogspot about polygamy, (apparently from someone in Indonesia or Malaysia), saying that doing polygamy is better than letting those men have sex outside marriage. While in fact, one thing I "attack" is that those silly men's statement that doing polygamy is the same as practicing Sunnah Rasul. As I have mentioned in my post in my blog, Prophet Muhammad had more than one wives coz of the spread of Islam, also to maintain the peace among those different ethnic groups (related to his wives coming from different ethnic groups). One thing I forgot to write is that that verse, Surah An-Nisa was passed down to Prophet Muhammad after the Uhud War, where many Muslim men died, that created many new widows. They couldnt protect themselves in that male-dominated society, even to protect their own property.
In this era? Women can become the propietor of many things, such as house, car, land, etc. So? It is longer needed then to marry women to "save" their properties?
I will not lose my energy, dear, to "battle" for women's betterment in lives.
Wish me luck.